Business critical wireless internet, PLEASE

I breathe a sigh of relief, I can tell you, when I eventually find the proper Starbucks.

I have been without business critical internet since Saturday. Being a blogger more or less full time, I need to have internet to do business. And the slower the internet speed is, the slower I do business — and eventually, if the speed gets too slow, I pop.

I need the internet connection to work as fast as my mind is working. Otherwise I start tripping up.

“Ok, and I’ll link that to this address,” I think to myself in my mind as I’m busy authoring. Then I remember, “Shit, it’s a fooking slow connection, that’s going to take me, what, 60 seconds to eventually find the correct address? Screw it..” and I just publish, without the link.

It’s pretty bad.

It’s worse when you’re staying in a hotel that markets HIGH SPEED INTERNET ACCESS that, when you arrive, is nothing of the sort. Total unmitigated ARSE.

I’m staying in the Radisson Hotel at Fisherman’s Wharf. Mark this: It’s a fine hotel, the room is ok and the location brilliant if you’re a total consumer. But the internet is a piece of shit.

I popped down to reception this morning to try and use the internet there. I thought it might be quicker in reception. No dice. Still shit.

I asked the receptionist if there was anything she could do.

“Er,” she spoke, turning to the handyman chap who was luckily standing there.

“Ahh some kid is probably streaming something,” he explains to me.

“Right, well the kid’s been streaming it for two days solid, is there anything you can do, can you restart the router?” I ask.

“Errrrr,” the guys says.

“Ok, where has fast internet?” I ask. We’re past the ‘how can I make your stay more pleasant’ bollocks at this point. I just need fast interent. And worse, I can’t DO a search for wifi hotspots nearby because a) it takes SO long and b) the people who’ve compiled these hotspot databases haven’t thought to actually rate the connection speeds.

I notice there is a Hyatt across the road. I’ve already tried the Sheraton’s ibahn internet and found it woefully shit so I’m not taking a chance with another hotel chain’s “Fast Internet”, not unless I’m paying 500 smackers a night, in which case I would demand my own T1 connection installed that day.

The receptionist, showing an uncharacteristic bit of initiative spoke up, “There’s a Starbucks two blocks away?”

“Great,” I said, thinking just how shit does a hotel chain have to be to recommend that guests go to Starbucks to get a working internet connection.

I’m actually thankful so I go hunting for the Starbucks.

The first one I find is integrated into the Barnes and Noble bookstore. I sit down, open up the Airbook and hunt for hotspots. ATTWIFI! Ah yes! Remember, AT&T are replacing T-Mobile as the wifi supplier in Starbucks soon?

Brilliant. That’ll be fast, I think!

Bollocks to that.

ATTWIFI was a bunch of bananas. And no matter how much energy you get from eating a banana, it’s not 802.11x compatible.

Then I spied a real Starbucks across the road. I dashed over. I jaywalked. Screw waiting for the traffic lights. I’m a British Subject in need of internet.

I’m thinking about the large percentage of the audience at SMS Text News who are refreshing hourly.

Into the Starbucks, I sit down, don’t buy anything — screw that — I’m PAYING for internet access, that’s enough. There’s an ATTWIFI signal. I log on. Useless. It’s creeping along, it can’t even display the sodding welcome page banners.

Oh dear.

I then have a look at the other hotspots and find a ‘TMOBILE’ one. Strange to have ATTWIFI and TMOBILE sharing. But fine. I try T-Mobile.

It works.

It’s fast.

Fine. I’ll sleep here then.