How many handsets does it take for 'extraordinary rendition'?

The one thing I totally forgot when I said ‘Yeah, let’s have an Unlimited Drinks event in Israel’ was the security. They really do it rather differently and very properly.

When I arrived at Heathrow, I hunted for zone ‘P’ and found that it was a corner at the end of the hanger replete with a huge queue of people flying EL AL — my airline of choice in this case — to Tel Aviv.

Standing in the huge queue, I inched along and eventually reached a chap from Israel’s Security who pounded me with question-after-question-after-question. I mentioned that I’d been to Israel once before, on a school trip ages ago.

– “What age were you?”

“Er,” I thought… I couldn’t quite remember. “Seventeen?”

– “What was the name of your school?”

Shit. I had to think and then quickly answered.

– “What is the purpose of your trip to Israel?”

Networking, I explained. I talked about the site and all was going well until the chap spotted INDONESIA in my passport. He looked up at me and glared.

– “When did you travel to Indonesia?” He blurted.

“March,” I answered.

– “Why?”

“Er, a holiday to Bali.”

Wasn’t good enough. He looked at me closely and told me to wait in my position in the queue. He marched off with my passport to the supervisor-Mossad-guy.

I waited a good ten minutes in the clearly-suspect queue next to some Iranian chap who was using his Windows Mobile device like no tomorrow.

After a few moments, the supervisor-Mossad-guy came over and fired questions at me.

I thought I’d better declare the oodles of handsets in my hand luggage prior them finding them.

You know how security people are with phones. One is fine. Two is ok, as long as one is a Blackberry… and more and you’re potentially a threat to national security. Nevermind that the handsets I’m carrying are all high spec, top notch ones. A handset’s a handset, right?

Surprisingly they didn’t really care about my handsets. Not yet.

“We check your hand baggage at the gate,” the chap snapped.

The security team then proceeded to scan my hold luggage in front of me, four times. Just to be sure.

Proper, proper security.

Then there was a special queue at the normal security for EL AL passengers. Everything off and scanned. Again.

No mention about the handsets yet.

Having got to the gate, it looks like there might now be a final, final security check. This, I’m convinced, is where they’re going to stop me and demand to know why I’m carrying:

– An N95
– An E65
– A 3 Skypephone
– A Motorola Q (Testing the new Good Mobile Messaging)
– A 3UK USB Modem
– An Apple iPhone

I’m picturing flashing red lights, electrified security fences and lots of alarms.

We shall see.. Has anyone else had trouble with multiple handsets at the airport?