"I'm calling from Three with informations of benefit to you"

It’s that time again dear reader: Three UK’s CRM system has, as I predicted, chucked me back into the call queue for their sales team.

The last time the calls began was back in May. I ignored them for a few days and eventually answered on May 14th (I wrote a post then to chronicle the experience).

So almost three months to the day, I got another call from the now eerily familiar 0800 358 number range. The number that rang this afternoon was 0800 358 4481.

I answered and I shit ye not, I thought it was one of those phone jacker calls on account of the language the chap was using (e.g. phrases like ‘informations’ and so on.”

He was polite. He was particularly insistent. He offered me a free phone (“absolutely free”) from £16 per month. I countered by saying I didn’t like 24 month contracts. He then explained that Ofcom-something-or-other blah-blah all other operators do 24-month contracts. Something like that.

I declined.

He then suggested a SIM-only approach. Good thinking, I thought. However this time I was way ahead of him.

“I’ve actually just got one from Three,” I cut in.

Silence.

He began explaining how SIM-only contracts worked. I cut in again and tried to explain that I had physically attended a Three store on Sunday (hello Aronn who served me!) and picked up an £15/month unlimited data SIM. I also extended one of the other lines.

So I was fine, thank you.

“So you don’t want a phone?” asked the dejected chap. I felt for him.

“No, thank you.”

“What about for a family member?” he asked, once more. Five stars for persistence.

“No, thank you, I’m fine.”

And then I threw in a spanner. (This is for the Three executives who I know are reading. And also for the team over at Vodafone, O2 and EE to do some good old cackles over their afternoon espressos.)

“I do actually need one of the SIMs I bought to be activated….” I said, leaving a pause for effect.

“… But,” I continued, “I doubt you’ll be able to help me with that, right? I’ll need to phone someone else, right?”

The chap responded as I expected: “Yes, you will need to phone customer services.”

Expectations met: Total fucking shit.

I thoroughly admire the operation at Three, I really do. I am massively in favour of the new approach they’ve been leading recently (inclusive 0800 calls, USA roaming included, no price plan hikes during your contract and so on.) Their data network is excellent.

But their CRM is a pile of bollocks.

What, seriously is the point, in PAYING for someone to PHONE me — a “valued” customer (as the chap from the Indian call centre pointed out) to interrupt my day, to try and flog me something, when a) I’ve already been pre-flogged (at the weekend) and b) when the bod you’ve asked to call me isn’t given the capabilities to actually help me.

Shitty shitty shitty double shit. He couldn’t even transfer me? Let’s be clear: He obviously has the system credentials to be able to create new customer orders — so it can’t be asking too much to give the chap access to actually help me with other queries? I wouldn’t have minded if he said, “No look sorry I don’t have access, but let me transfer you right now…”

Heh. It’s amazingly bad. I love it, it’s so bad.

I will phone the Three customer services when I can summon the courage as I need to get this nano SIM card activated.

I am amazed that they keep on with their CRM calls.

By my reckoning, I should be getting hammered with sales calls from their 0800 358 number range in about 90 days. If you don’t answer the system just keeps on calling… so I should expect that to begin once more probably November 10th/11th. Something to look forward to, eh? 😉

Here, for the avoidance of doubt, is the growing chronicle of my Three CRM experiences. It seems they’ve moved from an annual call to a quarterly call.

– August 11, 2014, This post
– May 13, 2014: It’s that time again: Three’s CRM is calling me twice a day now
– May 10-20, 2013: [I’d just joined RBS so I don’t think I even had the time of day to look at my mobile]
– May 21, 2012: “Three tried to flog me some stuff today”
– May 10, 2011: “Three UK: Fascinating example of a missed sales opportunity“