I'M ON THE TRAIN. YEAH. THE TRAIN!

Save me.

I’m sat whizzing across country on this GNER train on the way into London King’s Cross. There’s a lady at the table opposite me. Her mobile number is 07881… I’ve been sat listening to her sodding phone calls for at least 45 minutes.

Every single ONE of the calls, even the voicemails includes the sentence, ‘I’M ON THE TRAIN’, as if it’s some sort of achievement.

Hold on, refreshment trolly coming by…

Any suggestions? I’m thinking…. Irn Bru.

I went for Irn Bru and a chocolate muffin.

Then the lady was replaced by an ageing executive chap — M&S non-iron shirt territory — who made it clear to everyone he spoke to that he was TRAVELLING FIRST CLASS. He’d leave gaps.

The conversation went along the lines of:

“Martin? Martin? Yeah, yeah can you hear me? Yeah it’s Nigel. NIGEL. Yeah. Yeah I’m in the FIRST CLASS CARRIAGE. YEAH. On the train. ON THE TR..are you still, yes, … YEAH ON THE TRAIN.”

Goodness knows what it’s going to be like getting on a plane and having the same trauma. Of course GNER offer a quiet carriage where no mobile phones are tolerated.

I stuck in my headphones eventually.

Just in case you’d like a good example as to what I’ve been experiencing, check out this scene from Dom Jolly’s Trigger Happy: