It doesn't take long to lose a customer

I’ve got a dormant T-Mobile account. It’s been sat there for the last 6 months or so stuck in my N90 that I lent to Hetty ages ago to take some pictures of something.

It’s sat on a dirt cheap £18 a month 1,000 off-peak minutes tariff — with web’n’walk on it — and well, when you add up all the shite — the £3 non-direct-debit charge and whatnot, it’s always £30 a month.

The account is useful. It’s like a security blanket. Nice to know I’ve got a spare account. Why? I can’t quite explain it. My main accounts are my other T-Mobile account and Three. But I’ve got this back-up one.

Bit of background. I’ve moved into London into a rather grand penthouse* apartment in the centre of the city. However it doesn’t have internet yet. There are, interestingly, at least 6 wifi networks in my locale, but none of them free to access. So I have to wait until Wednesday until I get a connection — or even a sniff of a connection.

I have arsed around trying to get my N95 or E61 to connect to the internet via the laptop and, try as I might, it never works.

You know, T-Mobile do a USB modem that works with an Apple Mac now. Just recently launched…

Cue a shopping trip.

Can you see what was in my mind? 😉

I certainly didn’t need the USB modem. I could have done without. It meant I couldn’t blog though, until I got on the train at King’s Cross and eased myself into the 225 Malard Service trains with their free wifi.

I’m in central London, so, stuff it. Let’s go shopping, right?

I walked down to Oxford Street. Much like any Pizza Express, I am pretty good at knowing more or less where every T-Mobile shop is located. I remembered the Oxford Street one and shortly arrived. The joy of living centrally.

At the door I wasn’t greeted by the chaps wearing HTC t-shirts. For some reason the place was full of these guys wearing ‘HTC’ on their chests. I think they were a marketing team there for the day. I said hi. They ignored me. Nay bother.

I located a proper T-Mobile sales guy and asked him for a USB modem.

All was good until he said, ‘right I’ll need to do a credit check on the system’.

‘Whatever for?’

‘It’s part of of our policy?’ he replied, glancing at my T-Mobile branded flagship N95 handset in my hand.

Fair enough.

Didn’t work on the computer.

‘I’ll need to phone up, sir,’ he explained.

Ok.

On the phone, he conversed with the sales support folk.

‘Nah, you can’t have it,’ he said.

‘You what? Why not?’

‘You haven’t paid on time in the last three months, so if you come back in July…’

I explained, ‘Of course I haven’t bothered paying it on time, I missed a payment the other month because your stupid system wouldn’t take my card.’

He gave me a ‘themz tha roolz’ look.

I asked to buy it. Nope. They don’t sell’em without a contract.

‘Fine, I’ll pay for the contract in full,’ I said.

‘But that’s 12 months up front,’ he exclaimed with some surprise.

‘Yes? How much?’

‘Can’t do that, sir. You need to show us you can pay on time for three months.’

‘What, even if I’ve paid the full balance up front?’

‘Yes.’

Ooookay.

‘You understand that I spend £200 a month with T-Mobile, with my other account, yes?’ I asked.

‘Errrr,’ came his response.

‘And that I couldn’t give a toss about this secondary account, right?’

‘Errrrrrr,’ he looked a little bit surprised.

‘And that it doesn’t take much to reeeeeeeeelly annoy customers into moving their business, this was a fling, an off-chance, I was about to spend a shitload with you..’

‘Errrrr,’ he shook his head. I realised I wasn’t helping him much.

‘Ok ok, them’s the rules, no problem.’

I walked out. Fair enough. Fair enough. Them is de rools.

I phoned up and spoke to the customer retention department. They did the usual, tried to persuade me to stay. The lady I spoke to wasn’t impressed, telling me, ‘but you’ve three more months to go on your contract!’

I said, ‘Sure, swap it to the lowest contract plan, remove the shite on it, and tell me the balance for three months, and I’ll pay it now..’

‘There will be a £34 early cancellation fee,’ she said — I could hear her straight lips. She was not impressed I hadn’t fallen for the retention department’s usual ‘I’m sure there’s something we could do’ ploy.

‘Thirty four pounds, to cancel the contract?’ I needed clarification.

‘Yes.’

Fine. I hung up. I will cancel the contract. But I’ll pay it off and avoid the thirty-four pound ‘fine’.

So, the rules are that since I missed a payment, they can’t accept £300 up front from me for the USB modem. Stuff’em. Now and again the big operators are totally let down by these sorts of things. I appreciate the rules are there and must-be-followed. But… at the expense of revenue?

I’m going to have my internet connection on Wednesday. By which point, a USB modem will be far, far, farrrrrrrr from my mind. But, on Saturday morning, I’d have blown 300 quid — up front — on a T-Mobile USB modem. Their mistake or mine?