Mobile operator du jour: I'm all over the shop

Ever since I returned into the UK, I’ve been suffering from a mild to semi-annoying panic issue regarding what mobile operator to standardise on.

It’s an excellent opportunity, I feel, to reexamine my mobile network of choice. When I left the UK, I maintained accounts on every UK operator except Orange and Vodafone. I’ve been no particular fan of T-Mobile UK when my calls were actually dropping regularly in the centre of London. That just wound me up more and more — and recently, I’ve been going nuts at the way their billing system works. The biggest issue that’s causing me to consider swapping from them is their data offering. Brilliant prices, yes, but they block instant messaging and various other arbitrary ports. Can’t hack that. Just can’t hack it at all.

I used to be a heavy Orange user, especially with their SPV Windows Mobile handset range, but the moment they launched a piece-of-shit ‘iTunes Killer’ service for their Windows Mobile devices (300,000 tracks at really crap quality and expensive prices — why even bother? — the service was ‘retired’ quickly), I recognised it was time to take a break from them.

Vodafone, well, historically, we’ve never got on eye-to-eye when it comes to pricing. I’m happy to pay for quality, but not stupid rates. 35p a minute to another mobile handset in the UK (after bundled minutes) doesn’t work for me and never, ever will.

Sat on the plane to Dublin this morning I was contemplating just who I should standardise on.

Truth be told, I don’t actually want to buy services from a single mobile operator limited by geography. I found it just plain stupid that I went to America and that Deutsche Telecom, owners of T-Mobile UK and USA couldn’t get their shit together to continue taking money from me. Instead I swapped to Sprint (and was delighted with service). T-Mobile UK and T-Mobile USA are individual group companies — and for some ultra DICKHEAD reason, even though my T-Mobile UK sim card is roaming on T-Mobile USA — the SAME GLOBAL COMPANY — I’m being billed international roaming rates. I’m passed that. I’m passed all that geographical rubbish. I recognise that roaming to another carrier costs money. It just does. So if I roam on Orange Italy with my T-Mobile UK handset, I get that — I get and recognise I should pay a (small) premium for using their infrastructure.

But T-Mobile? Stupid. The executives should sort it out. But why bother, eh?

For about six months or so I’ve been feeling and thinking that I don’t really want to define myself by a small, geographically limited and technologically limited mobile operator.

I’d like to have a relationship with one operator. A global operator. It’s something I’ve been mentioning now and again to Pat Phelan at MAXroam (also SMS Text News sponsor). I want one primary phone number and a series of localised numbers. Tick. MAXroam does this. I don’t want to pay to receive calls wherever I am. Tick, generally speaking, with MAXroam. I want mobile data, wherever I am — and I want 5c/5p/min calls to anywhere at any time. (Not quite possible as yet). Or I want to pay someone $100 or £100 a month for my basic mobile and data requirements, no incremental billing or surprises. Again, not quite possible from a global perspective.

So I swap back and forward in my mind.

Then on the plane I think, Vodafone. It’s about time, I reckon. Let’s hit the Vodafone frequency and swap to them.

That works for a few minutes while I work through my mind with the possibilities. Last year I felt that Vodafone was playing a smart strategy. While the rest of the industry is going Flext-style and beefing up price plan offerings, their billing team have steadfastly stuck to their guns. Yes it’s still 60p for a video message, 36p for a picture message and 12p for a text message (out of bundle) — and of course, 35p/min to other mobile networks. Last year this felt like they were dragging their heels. Stop the clock. Yeah. Vodafone Family. Yeah. The odd innovation. But when your average Vodafone customer opens their bill each month, there’s always a ‘shit… shit…’ moment when they’re reminded just how expensive the service is. Now, however, I think it’s just cheeky, if anything I think it’s dated. Smart strategy though. If customers are silly enough to continue to pay outrageous 35p/min charges to call another network in the UK… take their money. And their wife.

So that’s the broad issue I have when I’m flirting with buying service from Vodafone. I don’t want to be too much of a mug, especially when you’ve got good innovation and excellent offers from the likes of 3UK… and even o2.

I arrived back at my parents house (a strategically located lay over). They’re in Billericay, Essex. Billericay is the archetypical London city commuter town. Lots of people mortgaged to the hilt, Porsche Boxters, a High Street filled with Estate Agents and one of the first commuterville towns to get it’s own gents personal grooming salons (it’s opening next month, I gather… back, sack and crack, anyone?)

I’ve been in the country 10 hours and I still haven’t made the call to T-Mobile to get a proper price plan and data service put in place. Why? Well… every time I phone up customer service, there’s a menu item on the IVR asking “if you are thinking of leaving T-Mobile press 3” right in amongst the “press 2 for price enquiries”. I’ve called three times, heard that IVR item and wondered if I should be connecting to that department and working out a wicked deal. Hmmm.

As I marched up the High Street hunting for the Waitrose, I flirted outrageously with the concept of walking into a Vodafone shop and signing up there and then. I almost did. I spotted the Carphone Warehouse (opened in Jan 07) and crossed the road toward it. Only when I was nearby did I remember that they don’t handle Vodafone any more. Then the reality hit me. I couldn’t get a Vodafone account anywhere, for love nor money, in Billericay. I’d need to drive to a bigger town nearby. So that put a spanner in the works.

I did look extremely closely at the iPhone in the Carphone Warehouse window….

So what to do?

Well…. in the cab back from the airport this afternoon I actually found myself NOT making phone calls because I was worried about the call quality. I can’t stand calling people when my audio signal is patchy and I’ve always regularly had an issue with T-Mobile call quality on the train, in the car, or even walking down Euston Road in Central London. Strange, though, it was perfectly fine in the car today. GAHHH. What to do… what to do…

(Update: I had a few enquiries about the term “All over the shop” — it’s a British way of saying “All over the place” or “in disarray”.)