Texting a sleeping Lion is a bad idea

Even the taxi drivers in Vegas tell me that 2-3 days is enough. I’d been in the city for nearly 6 days when I decided to take a stroll through the MGM Grand on the off chance there was something interesting to be found.

As it happens, there was. As I got toward the exit I heard the roar of a lion come across the Casino sound system. This isn’t an entirely new experience. The constant jingle jangle of slot machine noises mixed in with the latest music hits seems to numb everyone, especially the fat women in oversized XXXXXXXL Vegas T-shirts, complete with genuine 40 minute old mustard & ketchup stains pulling on the slot machine levers like genetically modified oompa loompas.

I continued walking then once again I heard the roar of a Lion. I spotted a grouping of annoying looking tourists (A subcategory of German tourist, I reckoned, based on the above average sampling of male and female mullets on show) with cameras out. Then I spotted the Lion cage.

Ah yes, Vegas. Tucked away in the corner of the Grand is a large glass cage filled with polystyrene looking ‘rocks’ and, one imagines, lions, somewhere. As I walked closer, I caught sight of two animals, stretched out, lying on top of what appeared to be a glass (or strongly reinforced plastic) walk-way that led through the cage. The bonus being that you, as a puny mullet-sporting human, could stand in this walk-way and gaze up at the two huge lions dozing a few feet above.

Cameras at the ready, along with tired and overused explanations of ‘wow’. Dear me. The lions were doing the sensible thing and ignoring everything. They looking, to me — I’m no expert, mind — entirely bored out of their mind. They were doing absolutely nothing except dozing and, I felt, glancing in no small amount of pity at the tourists brandishing flashing cameras at them. There is, if you’re feeling a bit existentialist, little difference from the cheeseburger filled Texan snapping away with his $40 Sanyo and the dozing lion waiting ’til it gets fed.

I documented parts of the experience for you, dear reader. I too, jostled with the Germans and Texans and ‘got in there’ for the photo:

That, there, is a lion, doing sod all. And that, I realised, is why the exhibit owners were busy pumping a lion’s roar (different every time, I might add, they must have an array of roar samples to play every 10 minutes) into the vicinity to give some degree of excitement and authenticity.

Here, then, is a picture of the enclosure:

To the left, you see the glass walk through, yes? Do you see the lions sitting doing nothing, above the staring, gaping tourists? Right, now turn your attention to the chap on the far right inside the cage.

Yes, inside.

That caught my attention. Everyone else was busy looking at the animals. I was wondering why the chap, and a colleague, were standing 10ft away from a pair of very certainly wannabe man eaters.

Even more interestingly, I noticed the chap was actually texting.

10ft away from a dozing lion and he was texting.

On a Helio Ocean, no less.

I walked through the walkway to get a closer photo.

I couldn’t get the angle to actually capture a picture of the handset, but take it from he, it was an Ocean. His chap to the left was also arsing about on his phone.

Don’t ask me what they’re doing. I imagine they are, in some way, taking care of the lions. Otherwise I can’t quite think of a decent reason for their location.

I’m willing to bet I’d have a rather challenging time knocking out a text message inside a lion cage, even if they were dosing. So, to these two chaps, I say kudos. And, er, don’t make the text message too long, eh?

I trust both chaps had their phones on silent as well. This would be the entirely wrong time for your WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO ringtone to start screaming around the cage as two annoyed lions raise their heads and stare at you intently.

In case I haven’t quite got my point across about Vegas in the previous passages, allow me to finish with this picture:

This is inside the walkway underneath the lion enclosure. Yes. That is a flat screen TV. And Yes, that TV is showing footage of the lions wandering about their plastic cage. And yes, there are people staring.

There isn’t much for the lions to do inside the small cage except sleep. So I expect the TV footage is there as a sort of apology for those who really wanted to see lions, er, doing something.

2 hours ’til I leave Vegas. Can’t wait…