Where the hell is my Nokia E90?

I’m delighted with the efficiency of Vodafone’s team. Their customer services and their insurance chaps were quick and my new E90 should be arriving at about midnight tonight, Las Vegas time (i.e. 9am tomorrow for you. God, these timezones are challenging..)

My problem is this: My E90 is somewhere. Somewhere in Las Vegas.

WHY can I not find out where it is? When I run Google Maps on my E90, it is able to give me a rough location, within perhaps 1500m (sometimes a lot more reliably) just using the network cell IDs. Add GPS into the mix and it can tell me where I am with a wicked degree of accuracy.

Why can’t I log on somewhere and query this information live?

It’s so annoying.

Some arse is probably fiddling about with it right now and that REALLY ANNOYS ME. I want to be able to remotely lock the device. I want to be able to turn on the camera and the microphone and hear it. Screw that, I want to be able to SEE the picture from the camera.

I want to make the device emit a LOUD LOUD LOUD beeping noise every 60 seconds.

I want to know where it is, what the device status is — battery, cell signal size, everything.

I want to factory reset it remotely so my information is safe.

WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME?

I’ll pay good money to have an application installed on the phone that does all this.