Would you like fries with that? Why I reckon mobile operators need to implement Concierges

I’ve got a ton of friends and colleagues who all hate their mobile operators. Really. A lot.

Tom, for example, simply cannot stand Three. He swapped to them in ‘a moment of madness’ a year or so ago and has been kicking himself with no small amount of frustration ever since. Now I’m quite a fan of Three, but even my persuasive ‘But, they’ve got the industry’s best performing network’ arguments don’t quite work when Tom explains that he has no service at his apartment (which is in the middle of a prosperous large market town in Hampshire).

Then there’s Jo who remains mystified at how the Vodafone demons manage to ALWAYS make sure her phone bill is over 100 quid each month, no matter how she tries to regulate her usage.

And there’s Ed, who’s been paying 3 quid a meg on o2 for years to guffaws from his T-Mobile Web’n’Walk enabled colleagues.

Talking about ‘mobile’ is a sure fire guarantee of conversation. It used to be Big Brother. You know, sat in the hairdressers, looking for something to talk about, you ask your barber, (or, if you’re anything like me, your ‘Stylist’ called Jaime — I’ve been trying proper hairdressers recently), and ask ‘What about that Big Brother, eh?’ Before you know it, everyone and their dog around the place is weighing in on their opinions, whether they watch the show or not. If you find yourself in a quiet period and you want to interact with Stylist Jaime or your frowning barber, ask’em about their mobile account. You’re guaranteed a response.

It’s one topic that everyone has an opinion on.

I find it surprising that around 90% of the people I speak to, you know, taxi drivers, folk on the street, friends and family, hardly anyone is content with their mobile operator. In many cases, you do need to take care to stand back whilst the other party delivers a 10 minute heartfelt diatribe about what ‘the man from Orange said’. We all feel hard done by, I think.

After the diatribe, I invariably ask, ‘And… when are you going to change? Are you in contract?’

That’s an exciting one to ask because the person has a razor-sharp response ready. Some people can actually tell me the actual DAY when their contract is up. Many I speak to are out-of-contract — that’s when I start going all incredulous and geeky at the same time, demanding that they sort out their mobile lifes.

What’s also quite amazing is quite a lot of these people I’m describing are high quality mobile customers. They’re all worth at least £1,200 a year to an operator, many of them double that amount.

When I question why they haven’t moved operator or why they haven’t gone into the [insert mobile brand] shop on the local high street, the response is best summarised as ‘they treat me as a number.’

Well obviously. They have to treat you as a number. There are X million of you.

‘But they still haven’t given me my 200 inclusive texts, and when I got the contract, the man at the shop said..’

I firmly believe that for high net worth customers — £100+ a month contract spend — a concierge is needed. I’d like to go over to the Three X-Series site and see a picture of a girl called Laura or Linda or Joanne. Something friendly and approachable. I’d like to see a bit of text next to her picture saying ‘Hi, spend over £100+ a month and thinking of changing to us? Talk to me now!’

I’d like to be able to click and have Laura call me right away. Or be able to call Laura direct, on an 0207 number. You know, speak to someone who IS not in a call centre and NOT paid by the amount of calls she can get rid off.

I’d like to be able to spend 5 minutes talking about my mobile requirements and for Laura to suggest the calling plan that I had already decided upon from browsing the Three site. I’d then like to be upsold. I’d like Laura to ask me if I needed a whatsit, a whatnot or a thingymabob. I’d like her to be friendly, knowledgeable and, just, just for once, be actually enthusiastic about the technology and services she’s selling.

I’d like her to take my details, my address, my card details and get my account setup. I’d like her to calmly explain that she’s going to have the information passed over to the ‘team’ (i.e. the call centre) to be processed and that she’ll call me tomorrow to check I’ve got my handset.

I’d like her to call me the next day and, with no small amount of excitement, ask what I thought of my new E65. Am I delighted? Am I content? Is there anything else she can help me with? Then I’d like her to sign off on the transaction with me by explaining that she really does value my business and that if I’ve got any questions at all, or any problems (I’d like her to make a wee joke about gremlins in the system that do appear now and again), that I should not hesitate to give her a call again.

Well, I say ‘I want,’ — I’m quite content — I want this sort of service for the TON of people I keep meeting who really are annoyed with their current operator and who want to swap. Or, who want to have their faith in their operator renewed.

If you work on the basis that Laura would be able to deal effectively with perhaps 10 new £100+/month customers a day, that equates to a value for the operator of £12,000 per day (£1,200 a year x 10 people).

Factor that up a bit and you’re at £60k a week or £3 million a year. All you’d need is a well paid Laura, say £35k and she’d need a desk, a phone and a computer connected into the operator’s management system.

It annoys me that this sort of service isn’t already available. A lot of the time, the people I speak to have just been highly pissed-off by some billing error or similar, something that’s easily, EASILY solved by speaking to someone with a bit of responsibility who can a) rectify the problem and b) appologise gracefully. Talking to customer service is such a hit and miss. Sometimes you get a good person. Sometimes you get someone stressed who clearly wants you off the phone as soon as possible. I’d really like to be able to refer people to the Three Concierge girl, Laura.

It’d be rather cool if Laura did a blog as well, so I could mail her over some of the ton of questions I get daily to get her answer. Instead I’m forced to arse about publishing shit like ‘Will Three launch an N95? Who the hell knows. Not even Three,’ or publishing random bollocks like ‘Er, sorry, scrub that, a mate, who’s sister’s parrot’s friend’s brother spoke to someone at Three, reckons the N95 IS coming out. But in very small quantities.’

Most of all though, I’d be able to shut up my friends and colleagues, to stop the moan.

‘Just phone Laura, she’ll sort you out,’ is what I want to be able to say.

Ah well.

Dream on, MacLeod!